The 11 most ridiculous items for sale in SkyMall

Oh, SkyMall. You look so innocuous there in the back of the airplane seat, but we know you’re trying to lure us in with your collection of ridiculous novelty items for sale. Yes, the official airline travel magazine may contain more enriching content than you, but like reality television, you appeal to our basic American need for mindless entertainment. Everything inside you is massively overpriced, and that’s part of your charm.

You’re junk food. We can’t resist flipping through and laughing aloud as we read about the latest bizarre items you’ve unleashed on the world. You provide a welcome distraction from the crying babies, armrest-stealing neighbors and scary turbulence all around us.

I love you so much, SkyMall, that I’m compelled to share the 11 most ridiculous items from one of your recent issues. You’re welcome in advance for the free publicity.

The most ridiculous items for sale in SkyMall

igrow Laser Helmet

skymall igrow helmet

This one takes the prize for most ridiculous item on SkyMall. It’s a helmet that actually grows your hair, thanks to its 51-diode proprietary laser design that’s capable of rejuvenating your ‘fro. This slick device will set you back just $695 – a small price to pay for filling in your bald spot and achieving that full, thick head of hair, just like Doug Llewelyn.

Bacon Throw and Pillow

skymall bacon throw

Because “there’s nothing a little salt-cured pork can’t cure.” So true, SkyMall. So true.

Mustache Mirror

skymall mustache mirror

Give yourself a hipster moustache – three of them, in fact – every morning before you walk out the door with this strange mirror. The sales copy explains, “Three bushy, manly lip ticklers are printed boldly at the perfect level so you can try one on for size.” Oh, who am I kidding? This thing isn’t ridiculous at all – it’s amazing. Bushy, manly lip ticklers for everyone!

Bed-Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon

skymall bed bug cocoon

Why take basic precautions to avoid bed bugs while traveling when you can simply slip inside a cocoon and insulate yourself from the pesky vampiric critters? The fabric is impenetrable to bugs! True, your face is still exposed because of the head hole, so bed bugs could easily slip inside anyway. But don’t worry about that… surely the bugs will leave you alone when they see the lengths to which you’ve gone to keep them away. Right?

Box of Applause

skymall box applause

It’s exactly what it sounds like. A little box that emits the sound of people cheering and clapping when you open the lid. Now, you may be tempted to ask why any human being would want a $25 box that would seem to lose its novelty after about five seconds of use. But don’t question SkyMall, ever! Also available: Box of Laughter.

I’m Bob T-shirt

skymall bob tshirt

It’s a goofy tee that reads, “Of course I’m right. I’m Bob.” It sounds like a fun, personalized t-shirt designed to show off one’s confidence and wit. Except that you cannot personalize this shirt with your own name. It only comes in the “Bob” version. It’s Bob or nothing. If you start to do the math and think about how many Bobs there are in the U.S., then consider the tiny percentage who would be interested in a shirt like this… well, let’s just hope that SkyMall didn’t print up more than a dozen of these suckers.

Transcendental Relaxation Chair

skymall massage chair

It’s “The World’s Best Massage Chair.” It gently strokes and nudges every inch of your weary torso, and it can be yours for a mere $8,000. If you don’t need the full reclining chair and prefer a simple rocking chair, that one goes for only $6,000. There’s no putting a price tag on comfort.

Magnetic Tie

skymall magnetic tie

I don’t know about you, but I hate when my neckties get sloppy. It’s so embarrassing when the necktie tail peeks out from behind the tie itself. I once lost a job because of it. And people regularly point and laugh when I walk down the street because the sloppy appearance of my neckties brings shame to the human race. But now I’ve been saved thanks to the magnetic tie, which uses magnets to ensure that the necktie tail always stays in place. And it only set me back $49.99 plus shipping!

Porch Potty Premium

skymall pooch potty

Good grief. The Porch Potty is an indoor patch of fake grass you can keep inside your house or apartment so you don’t have to take your pooch outside to do its business. It’s constructed with synthetic grass and comes with “an automated rinse and drain system” to remove whatever your dog leaves behind. Where does the waste go, exactly? I think with this particular product it’s best not to ask questions.

The Backpack Vacuum

skymall backpack vacuum

For the RTW backpacker who just can’t live without that constant extra weight on his or her back, the Backpack Vacuum makes doing chores easy and fun. Doesn’t that woman look like she’s having a blast?

Gentleman’s Faceless Watch

skymall faceless watch

If there’s one thing I hate about watches, it’s that silly “face” part. I’ve always wanted a watch that’s just a plain band. SkyMall to the rescue! Here comes the Faceless Watch, which utilizes LED lights to display the time. Don’t worry, gentleladies, there’s a smaller version for you, too, so both partners can wearing matches faceless bands and be the envy of their entire social circle.

The most ridiculous items for sale in SkyMall

Two fun facts about SkyMall: The president is named Christine Aguilera, and she has long blond hair just like the singer. I smell a rivalry brewing.

Also, SkyMall boasts that it offers “six easy ways to order!” Wow, six? Any guesses what the six methods of payment are?

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About Scott Shetler

Scott is a Chicago-based journalist and blogger who seeks out quirky sights and awesome destinations throughout North America and beyond.

12 comments on “The 11 most ridiculous items for sale in SkyMall

  1. Can’t come up with 6 ways to order either. You really think those bed bugs would hop right in? Darn – it looked so promising.

  2. 6 ways to pay? Let’s see…. PayPal, regular credit card payment, bank transfer, check, cash (say, giving them actual bills/coins in person) and maybe through cell phones somehow.

    Also, I find it interesting that the Backpack Vacuum ad claims this makes vacuuming easier – no back pain from just seeing that photo at all! Do you think it was created because of the whole notion that travelers are actually ruining the planet, so they might as well clean it as they go?
    Ayelet – All Colores recently posted..#ObamaInIsrael – The Funny Madness of President Barack Obama’s Trip to Israel

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