Oh, SkyMall. You look so innocuous there in the back of the airplane seat, but we know you’re trying to lure us in with your collection of ridiculous novelty items for sale. Yes, the official airline travel magazine may contain more enriching content than you, but like reality television, you appeal to our basic American need for mindless entertainment. Everything inside you is massively overpriced, and that’s part of your charm.
You’re junk food. We can’t resist flipping through and laughing aloud as we read about the latest bizarre items you’ve unleashed on the world. You provide a welcome distraction from the crying babies, armrest-stealing neighbors and scary turbulence all around us.
I love you so much, SkyMall, that I’m compelled to share the 11 most ridiculous items from one of your recent issues. You’re welcome in advance for the free publicity.
The most ridiculous items for sale in SkyMall
igrow Laser Helmet
This one takes the prize for most ridiculous item on SkyMall. It’s a helmet that actually grows your hair, thanks to its 51-diode proprietary laser design that’s capable of rejuvenating your ‘fro. This slick device will set you back just $695 – a small price to pay for filling in your bald spot and achieving that full, thick head of hair, just like Doug Llewelyn.
Bacon Throw and Pillow
Because “there’s nothing a little salt-cured pork can’t cure.” So true, SkyMall. So true.
Give yourself a hipster moustache – three of them, in fact – every morning before you walk out the door with this strange mirror. The sales copy explains, “Three bushy, manly lip ticklers are printed boldly at the perfect level so you can try one on for size.” Oh, who am I kidding? This thing isn’t ridiculous at all – it’s amazing. Bushy, manly lip ticklers for everyone!
Bed-Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon
Why take basic precautions to avoid bed bugs while traveling when you can simply slip inside a cocoon and insulate yourself from the pesky vampiric critters? The fabric is impenetrable to bugs! True, your face is still exposed because of the head hole, so bed bugs could easily slip inside anyway. But don’t worry about that… surely the bugs will leave you alone when they see the lengths to which you’ve gone to keep them away. Right?
Box of Applause
It’s exactly what it sounds like. A little box that emits the sound of people cheering and clapping when you open the lid. Now, you may be tempted to ask why any human being would want a $25 box that would seem to lose its novelty after about five seconds of use. But don’t question SkyMall, ever! Also available: Box of Laughter.
I’m Bob T-shirt
It’s a goofy tee that reads, “Of course I’m right. I’m Bob.” It sounds like a fun, personalized t-shirt designed to show off one’s confidence and wit. Except that you cannot personalize this shirt with your own name. It only comes in the “Bob” version. It’s Bob or nothing. If you start to do the math and think about how many Bobs there are in the U.S., then consider the tiny percentage who would be interested in a shirt like this… well, let’s just hope that SkyMall didn’t print up more than a dozen of these suckers.
Transcendental Relaxation Chair
It’s “The World’s Best Massage Chair.” It gently strokes and nudges every inch of your weary torso, and it can be yours for a mere $8,000. If you don’t need the full reclining chair and prefer a simple rocking chair, that one goes for only $6,000. There’s no putting a price tag on comfort.
I don’t know about you, but I hate when my neckties get sloppy. It’s so embarrassing when the necktie tail peeks out from behind the tie itself. I once lost a job because of it. And people regularly point and laugh when I walk down the street because the sloppy appearance of my neckties brings shame to the human race. But now I’ve been saved thanks to the magnetic tie, which uses magnets to ensure that the necktie tail always stays in place. And it only set me back $49.99 plus shipping!
Porch Potty Premium
Good grief. The Porch Potty is an indoor patch of fake grass you can keep inside your house or apartment so you don’t have to take your pooch outside to do its business. It’s constructed with synthetic grass and comes with “an automated rinse and drain system” to remove whatever your dog leaves behind. Where does the waste go, exactly? I think with this particular product it’s best not to ask questions.
The Backpack Vacuum
For the RTW backpacker who just can’t live without that constant extra weight on his or her back, the Backpack Vacuum makes doing chores easy and fun. Doesn’t that woman look like she’s having a blast?
Gentleman’s Faceless Watch
If there’s one thing I hate about watches, it’s that silly “face” part. I’ve always wanted a watch that’s just a plain band. SkyMall to the rescue! Here comes the Faceless Watch, which utilizes LED lights to display the time. Don’t worry, gentleladies, there’s a smaller version for you, too, so both partners can wearing matches faceless bands and be the envy of their entire social circle.
The most ridiculous items for sale in SkyMall
Two fun facts about SkyMall: The president is named Christine Aguilera, and she has long blond hair just like the singer. I smell a rivalry brewing.
Also, SkyMall boasts that it offers “six easy ways to order!” Wow, six? Any guesses what the six methods of payment are?